Bodily Fluids

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People Watching The Crazy

The Fremont Street Experience Sign       I used to work as a henna artist on Fremont Street, right outside of the 4 Queens, when I was 18 years old. It was the best job I ever had. I had so much fun painting henna tattoos on people and getting paid more then what I had made working at a fast food place. I would have to work the weekends from 4pm until midnight and it didn’t get busy until 8pm; so for 4 hours I would have to resort to people watching. There are a good amount of people that are either homeless or crazy (or both) that walk around downtown.

      Well what happened was I was watching a woman around the age of 60 who was homeless and looked a little crazy. She had layers and layers of clothes on and it was in the middle of July. In July our normal temperature is between 100-110 degrees. She had medium length hair and it was grey, scraggly, and poking every which way. Her hair looked like she hadn’t run a brush through it in years. She would walk up and down Fremont Street endlessly. I was watching her walk her 8th lap when she stopped right across from me. She pulled down her pants, squatted and she urinated and then took a long shit on the street. Just then, a bicycle cop was riding by and he did a double take before making a u-turn and pulling up beside her. He called for backup and 2 other bicycle cops rode to them. They had to wait for her to finish taking a shit before they could haul her off to jail. It was so funny watching 3 cops having a friendly conversation and in the middle of the group was this old crazy woman taking a shit.

      ∾ Heather 2001

  Date: July 7, 2010 @ 11:47am PST
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Crap At The Craps Table

      I was still working as a boxman on the craps tables. We had this high roller who was a small 60 year old Asian man that was dressed in a nice pair of slacks and a polo shirt. He was considered a high roller because he played $5,000 per roll of the dice. He had been at the table for a couple hours and was winning a good deal of money (he had $250,000 in front of him) when, out of the blue, he stopped playing and walked over to the nearest slot machine. He stood there for a minute, then shook his leg a bit and came back. When he came back he brought this really putrid smell with him.

I didn’t want to embarrass the high roller so I called over a hostess and she pulled the high roller aside, they talked quietly to each other and then the two of them left. About 20 minutes later the high roller came back wearing a brand new jumpsuit; he didn’t say anything, he just went back to playing. The hostess told me later that the high roller was winning so much money that he didn’t want to take the time to walk to the bathroom. Instead he took a crap in his pants and shook the piece of shit out of his pant leg and right next to the slot machines. The casino wanted him to stay so badly that instead of kicking him out they comped him a free jogging suit and let him finish playing. What they say is true; if you’re a high roller the casino will let you do almost anything.

      ∾ John 2003

  Date: June 21, 2010 @ 8:28am PST
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It Mattered That Much

The bathrooms in a casino       I was dealing one night I had a player on my blackjack table bouncing up and down in his seat. Finally I said, “What’s up, why are you bouncing around like that?” He replied, “I got to go to the bathroom!” “Ok… It’s over there… Go…” “No, I can’t, I’m winning too much money, I can’t leave now.” I looked down at the shoe and we were almost done, so I didn’t say anymore. About 10 minutes later, I start shuffling the shoe and he doesn’t get up. In fact he is quite still. “Why don’t you run to the bathroom while I’m shuffling,” I said. And with a satisfied smile on his face he said, “Nope, I already went.” At the same time, the people at the table looked on the floor and there was a wet spot under his chair. Every person at the table got up and left. Of course my floorman Ed noticed this, comes over and said, “What happened?” "Ask him," I said as I nodded at the only remaining guy at the table. Ed called security and they 86ed the guy immediately. We had to close the table; so while we were waiting for maintenance to come and clean up the mess the cocktail waitress came by and asked, “Who spilled the drink?” She looked like she was getting ready to wipe up the chair. “No, don’t touch it, it’s not a drink!” That surprised her. It surprised her more after I told her what happened.

      ∾ Tom 2007

  Date: May 9, 2010 @ 6:56am PST
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The Dirty Side Of Las Vegas

      When tourists come to a casino, I don’t think they realize how dirty everything is. As a dealer you watch people do all sorts of nasty things during the day. I have seen people pick their nose and wipe the snot on the cards; I have seen men stick their hands down their pants to scratch and then they continue shuffling their chips like some big hot shot. I have seen urine and crap at the tables, and I have watched a prostitute and her John have sex at a slot machine during the graveyard shift. I have gone into public bathrooms and watched both customers and dealers alike walk out without washing their hands. The chips and the cards are never washed. The only time the chips are washed is when a drunk guy spills alcohol in the rack and we have to close the table and clean everything. One time, when that happened, I had started off with a completely white towel and by the time I was done cleaning the rack the towel was as black as coal. So my message to you is: always wash your hands and never touch your face or eyes when you’re in Las Vegas.

      ∾ Heather 2005

  Date: June 19, 2010 @ 5:07am PST
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Memorial Day Weekend

A beer bottle with liquid pouring in it       I was on the roulette table as a mucker on a busy Memorial Day weekend. The whole table was filled with college kids, all drunk and all having fun. The table was so full of people that you had trouble seeing past them. After a couple of hours of having these people on the table, the roulette dealer nudged me and said, "Do you see what that guy is doing?" I looked up and one of the drunk college kids was barely standing up with his pants unzipped and his dick hanging out. He had put an empty beer bottle on the ground and was trying to pee in it. It was hilarious because he was so drunk he peed all around the bottle; I don’t think one drop landed inside. I laughed so hard because he managed to pee on a woman’s leg while she was walking by and I don’t think she noticed. I called the floorman, who called security, who came and took the guy away. The poor drunk couldn’t figure out why the security guards were escorting him out.

      ∾ Heather 2005

  Date: May 31, 2010 @ 11:27am PST